OK, seriously? I am soooo sick of poop! I clean poop off my floors, I clean poop off my baby, I smell poop coming from the garbage. I find poop everywhere. I smell poop all the time, even after it has been cleaned up. I swear the smell of poop is permanently pasted to the inside of my nose. I can give the baby a pass on the poop as long as it is only in the diaper and on her butt, but anywhere else, and the free pass is lifted. The pups…no free pass. Diarrhea or not, no free pass. That stuff belongs in the back yard no matter what. Pucker up and bark, pups! Can someone please explain to the youngest of my brood that poop is gross? I don’t think they have caught on yet.
OK…poop rant is over. I just had to get that out of my system.
On to my story of the day. Ashley actually took a brake from the poop, so I should be grateful, right? Well, you can decide that in a minute. You see, today, I walked into my bedroom because I heard the scary sound of delightful baby squeals. I cautiously open the door with my fingers crossed…”Please God don’t let it be poop…” I guess he heard me. It wasn’t poop.
It was lard.
Ashley must have gotten into the pantry, removed the large can of lard, and carted it off to my room. She then proceeded to remove the cap and dug right in. Yeah, we are talking double fisted here,
folks. It must have felt really cool in her hands because she had rubbed it all up and down her dress. It was an inch thick or more. (OK…if you can picture an inch thick of lard on a dress, you can tell that was an exaggeration, but you get the point.) She then must have dug in for more. Of course she isn’t alone on this adventure. Sierra was right there along for the ride. Ashley dutifully let her join in the fun by rubbing lard into Sierra’s fur on her head and neck. Sierra must have been curious as to what was being rubbed into her because there was more lard on the end of her nose. After Ashley had covered the dog, she must have felt the lard looked cool in her fur, so she proceeded to add it to her own hair. Oh yeah…lard all over her dress, her hair, and swiped across the side of the bed and the floor. Her arms and legs obviously got in the way because they had lard wiped all over them as well. It was lovely.
I was on the phone with my mom at the time. I walked in and said, “Oh, Ashley. Mom, she got into the lard.” My mom knew what that meant and was kind enough to let me go without hesitation. I set the phone down and pick the baby up under her armpits with two fingers and carted her to the bathroom, just hanging her over the tub while I figure out a plan of action. I set her down in the tub, peel the dress off her body, and turn the water on. I grab a rag and bar of soap and go to town on the slimy little human. After a few minutes, Ashley emerges from the tub fresh and clean and in a fresh diaper. I hadn’t grabbed clothes for her yet, so she was just in a diaper.
Sierra had followed us into the bathroom, thankfully, so I had closed the door and trapped her in with Ashley and I. After I was done with Ashley, I turned my rag and soap onto the dog. Now here is where the stupid mommy moment comes in. You see, Ashley can open the bathroom door, and did at this time. Not thinking, I let her go. It wasn’t until I heard the now familiar squeal of joy coming from my bedroom again that I realized what I had done. Yep…the lard was in the same spot she had left it before, and she went straight over to it. I walk in and she hands me a handful of white, greasy grossness. It gives new meaning to “Rinse and Repeat,” doesn’t it?” At least she didn’t have clothes on yet.
After putting the lard out of sight this time, I drag her back into the bathroom and get the new lard off her little body. I then run into the room and clean off the side of the bed and the floor. That stuff sucks to clean up, you know it? It is much more stubborn than poop, but it doesn’t smell nearly as bad. Ahhh…another crazy day at the Wymer house!