I don’t know. I go back and forth. I love being a stay-at-home mom. That is all I have ever wanted to do, and now I have the joy of doing just that right now. So why would I want to change my situation? Well, a lot of it has to do with finances. Money is getting tighter and tighter. There is not a whole lot we can cut back on anymore. I am not against sacrificing to be home with my kids. In fact, I advocate for it. That being said, I think there is a fine line between sacrificing for them and making them sacrifice for it. I am not sure if I am at that point or not, as Jason does well, but the economy is bad and his paycheck doesn’t go as far as it used to. I feel we are not able to give them much in the way of a life outside of our own yard and home. I can’t help but think that if I was also a working mother, I could provide them with so much more. As it is, I am not able to spend as much time with them as I am always cleaning up after all the members of the family. Because we are home all the time, this place can fall apart in just hours! Especially in the hours that Ashley is awake.
My other thoughts include the fact that Jason is in school all day, and Troy half day. They won’t be as affected as Derek and Ashley, but both Derek and Ashley are very social children that might actually prefer being at a daycare with other children all day. Or am I justifying my decision? I am not really 
sure yet. I do know that there will be a much more rigorous schedule each day, and that the kids will benefit from that. I don’t necessarily have to work 40+ hours a week, and I don’t have to be chasing a career with big bucks. I can leave that to Jason. He is so good at what he does and provides well enough for us now, I will just be a bonus. We can put more money away for college, take trips, and go places on the weekends that we are less likely to do now. I can also find a job in the evenings on the nights Jason is not working so they still have me at home except for a few nights a week when their father gives them a bath and puts them to bed. For me, that would be ideal, but also pretty hard to find.
Staying at home has so many advantages. I am able to direct the way my children are raised, and I can make sure they get the values that we find are most important. I can develop closer relationships with them as well, making it easier as time goes on to talk to them about more personal and pressing topics. I can teach them to do chores, and to behave I as I would desire them to, but maybe I am not as good at that as I like to think I am. Or maybe I am great! I have no way of knowing, making this a very difficult decision. Like every mother that ever lived, I question myself. I question my ability to discipline my kids correctly, my ability to guide them in the direction I wish for them to go, and I question my effectiveness as a parent. I also question my overall value as a stay-at-home mom. Especially now, when our family is living tightly. I have worried over this thought all day and all yesterday, and I think I will for a while. I only want what is best for my family, and currently, I am at a loss as to what is actually best for them. For me, I am willing to do either. While staying at home has been a real joy, I am not against the idea of working. I am willing to work as much or as little as my family needs. Jason and I have discussed this a few times, and the outcome is always the same: we don’t know.
If anyone has any thoughts on this, I would greatly appreciate your input! I vacillate back and forth every hour. I am dreading the application and interview process, but I look forward to a little financial freedom. I will miss my time with my kids tremendously, but I might take advantage of the time I do have more than I do now, making that time more valuable. I will keep you posted on my decision, and I promise to keep the blog, regardless of my decision. In the meantime, by all means, give me your input! Thanks and have a great day!
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